I have had an epiphany. It all makes perfect sense to me now. Everything in the world is George Bush’s fault. Once you understand that, everything falls into place.

I remember listening to the radio a few days after the last American was beheaded in Iraq, and heard several members of the Democrat party decry the atrocity by members of al’Qaida. “About time!”, I thought; and without taking a breath, the individual speaking launched into a discussion of how George Bush was at fault in this matter, and how his inept bungling led to the “cycle of violence” that caused this poor American lad of 26 to die so cruelly at the hands of these terrorists. It really was a truly brilliant monologue. This was followed by several other examples along the same lines.

It got me to thinking. How simple everything in the world truly is! All these issues that I thought were so complicated—why they really aren’t, once you accept the premise that everything is George Bush’s fault.

I had to fill up my Suburban today. (As to why I drive a Suburban, please see my article “What Would Jesus Drive?”). It cost nearly seventy dollars! Gas prices here are going out of sight; over 1.70 a gallon for unleaded regular. Of course, it’s all George Bush’s fault. He’s driving the price of oil up so that his fat cat oil buddies can make megabucks on the backs of us working Americans. The fact that this could lead to crashing the economy and affecting him negatively during the November election is beside the point.

Of course, if he were to get together with the Saudis and others, and try to get them to pump more oil so that the price per barrel of oil declined, well then he would be trying to manipulate the market for his own personal gain. After all, if the price of gas goes down, that would benefit him in the November elections. So he can’t do that.

The increase in gas is also due to the fact that we don’t have enough refineries in this country, and those we do have are running at capacity. Additionally, we also custom-blend fuels for different parts of the country. These special fuels are only made in certain refineries, and must be transported in separate pipelines, causing logistical and production bottlenecks, and further exacerbating the price problem. That is one reason why gas prices vary so much across the country (taxes are another reason). Of course, this is George Bush’s fault, since it happened on his watch.

My wife was speaking to someone recently who was quite upset because children in seventh grade were unable to read. This individual blamed the problem on George Bush’s “no child left behind” program, proclaiming it an abject failure. Now I know that Mr. Clinton passed a retroactive tax law when he took office in 1993. However, I don’t think that any reasonable person could expect that the passage of Mr. Bush’s “no child left behind” bill could retroactively cause someone who can’t read to suddenly be able to. George Bush hasn’t been in office for seven years, so obviously, if a seventh grader can’t read, the problem started before his administration took office. Still, it’s George Bush’s fault.

Mr. Bush has taken a lot of flack lately for the “horrible” state of the economy; the so-called “jobless recovery” that benefits the rich at the expense of the working American. Democrats have gone so far as to claim that the American contractors that were brutally slain and dragged thru the streets in Iraq were only there because the economy in the United States was so bad that the only place they could find a job was in Iraq. (And thus, their deaths were George Bush’s fault). Well now, it seems that job creation (which isn’t the President’s job to fix anyhow) is on the rise. This would be bad news for the Democrats, except that a rising economy increases the worry about inflation. And in order to keep that in check, the Fed is looking at increasing interest rates. Aha! Increasing interest rates mean more money out of the pockets of working Americans. This means that home ownership will be out of reach for more Americans as mortgage interest rates (currently at historic lows) rise. And all of this is certainly George Bush’s fault! Depending on how good the economy gets, he may end up presiding over the largest increase in interest rates in 50 years!

Did you know that the attack on the World Trade Center on September 11th was George Bush’s fault? It certainly was. He knew all about it beforehand and allowed it to happen just so that he could get rid of Saddam Hussain and take away our civil liberties. It is a matter of record that prior to the attack, he received a briefing that said that al’Qaida was planning an attack on the United States some time in the near future. It was also revealed that some suspected terrorists were taking flying lessons. What more information did he need? If you were President and you received word that terrorists were planning an attack, and that some were learning to drive trains, wouldn’t you expect an attack on downtown LA with 15 pressurized tank cars full of explosives on 22 October of this year? (Why October 22nd? I don’t know. Seems like a good date to me…)

And just today I read that Janet Jackson is getting into the act. It seems that the exposure of her breast at the Superbowl this past January was, you guessed it - George Bush’s fault. Or at least he used the incident to distract people from the war in Iraq. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find Janet’s nipple all that distracting (or interesting). I did write an article (The Breast of a Nation) on the incident, however it was in the context of we, the American people, losing the focus on the War on Terror. I seem to remember the chairman of the FCC being “outraged” about the incident, but try as I might, I can’t remember George Bush weighing in all that much. The media played it up quite a bit. Does Janet seriously think that all the media attention that was focused on her faux pas was George Bush’s fault? Why not? Everything else is…

But the ultimate test of the “it’s all George Bush’s Fault” philosophy of life comes when you apply it to your own personal life.

Got more bills than you can pay? It’s all George Bush’s fault. Remember after 911 when he told everyone that what they could do to help was spend money so the economy wouldn’t crash? He wasn’t really interested in you; he was really trying to enrich his business cronies and keep the economy strong to boost his chances for re-election. You really didn’t need that 55 inch wide-screen HDTV, that digital camera, the 400+ DVD changer, or the two new computer systems you bought. You only did it to please George Bush, and now look at what happened to your Best Buy bills. All George Bush’s fault!

Still paying taxes? It’s George Bush’s fault! He promised you a tax cut – and it only benefited the rich! If he really had you in mind, you wouldn’t be paying any taxes at all. In fact, you’d be getting a check! And those fat cat rich bozos would be paying through the nose, instead of living it up at your expense. So what if the top 20% of earners pay 80% of the taxes? The government is still taking too much from me – and it’s George Bush’s fault!

It rained today, and I had planned to have a cookout. It’s George Bush’s fault! If he had only signed the Kyoto Accord, then we wouldn’t have to worry about Global Warming, and it wouldn’t have rained today. (But wait – wasn’t that during Bill Clinton’s administration, and didn’t the Senate vote 100-0 not to ratify the accord if Clinton signed it…never mind. It’s still George Bush’s fault.) George Bush doesn’t care about Global Warming. It looks as if a major part of the problem is that solar output has increased. That’s his fault too. It happened on his watch. (Or at least that’s when we noticed it.)

Yes, it seems that everything under the sun can be solved by pinning the blame on George Bush, despite the fact that he is a totally ignorant incompetent boob from the middle of nowhere Texas who can’t even pronounce “nuclear” correctly. (Shades of Dan Quayle and potato…or is it potatoe?)

But just wait until 20 January 2005. Then, everything may be John Kerry’s fault…