I wrote this a couple of weeks ago in a moment of frustration. I hadnít intended to publish it, mainly because I was afraid it would be misinterpreted. It has been my experience that many readers are unable (or unwilling) to understand sarcasm in the written form, being more apt to take it literally than not. And this article is steeped in sarcasm. On the other hand, since the readership of this site can easily be counted on oneís digits without removing both shoes, Iím not likely to upset a large segment of society. So here it isÖ

The level of hysteria is growing...
By John D. Turner
30 Nov 2004

Ok already, enough is enough. The election is over. Bush won. Get a life! I survived eight years of Bill Clinton, the rest of you can surely survive eight years of George Bush.

Reading some of the mass hysteria coming from liberals in the U.S. and ďconcerned citizensĒ of other nations around the world, you would think we had just elected the antichrist here in America. Though actually, that wouldnít bother many of them as much as electing Bush did. Most seem to think our preoccupation with religion here in the U.S. to be rather ďquaintĒ to put it nicely.

To those from foreign countries: I appreciate your concern, however it is our country, and whom we elect is our own damn business. Not yours.

To those from the United States, reference paragraph one. ĎNuff said.

Yes, I voted for Bush. According to the majority of those venting their frustration on the BBC ďHave Your SayĒ page (among others), this makes me: An ignorant, redneck, bigoted, low-grade moron, superstitious Christian fundamentalist who couldnít find his butt with both hands. I am so ignorant that I probably couldnít even locate the countries we are currently ďplunderingĒ on a map if they were outlined in gold. I am definitely less knowledgeable than my sophisticated European brethren, who know ever so much more than I about everything in the world and my own country in particular.

I support the traditional definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman. This means I am homophobic and hate gays and lesbians.

I believe that taking the war to the terrorists, instead of fighting them here in the United States is a good thing. Thus, I am an ignorant warmonger and love slaughtering innocent women and children.

I support reforming social security. Therefore, I want to throw my elderly parents out in the streets and force them to eat dog food. (But I will splurge and buy them Science Diet, because it is scientifically blended. Only the best for my folks!)

I believe in God, and consider myself a religious Christian. I go to church every week if possible. This makes me a religious zealot fanatic, no better than an al Qaida terrorist, just itching to take away everyoneís freedom and enslave them into my religious beliefs.

I believe that our tax code stands badly in need of reform. I would favor a flat tax or a national sales tax, whereby all Americans are treated equally. Thus, I favor tax cuts for the rich, and want to soak the poor. (I canít wait until I can own run-down low-rent tenements so that I can cold-heartedly throw the poor stinking beggars out into the street when they canít pay the rent.)

I own an SUV! (For the reason why I own an SUV, please see my previous article What Would Jesus Drive?. Or not, as you see fit.) Note, I am claiming ownership. Iím not blaming my wife. I just love guzzling that gas and spewing out those noxious fumes. I canít wait for the greenhouse effect to kick in. In fact, I own some land in the Texas hill country. I expect it to be beachfront property in a decade or so.

Did I mention I live in Texas. That speaks volumes all by itself!

Yes sir, Iím a dyed in the wool dumb ass Conservative Republican whacko with a room temperature IQ, and proud of it! I wouldnít leave flyover country if you paid me. I canít understand those folks in the ďblueĒ statesÖthey use such big words. Thatís one reason I voted for Bush Ė itís just four letters. That Masachewsets place is just too complicated for me.

I can spell ďnuclearĒ but Iím not sure if I pronounce it correctly. Is that bad?

I keep hearing that not everyone voted for Mr. Bush, so he should please be nice and remember that when he starts setting up his dictatorship. Is that so? Which election did we ever hold here in the U.S. where everyone did vote for the same person? Certainly not when we elected Mr. Clinton. He didnít even break 50%. Either time he ran. I donít remember these folks expressing the same concern to him! The only countries I can think of where everyone votes for the same person are dictatorships. Like the one they used to have in Iraq under Saddam Hussein. Liberals are so concerned that their views be taken into consideration when they lose. However when they win, they arenít so concerned about the views of conservatives.

In light of the above descriptions, which, as a voter for George Bush, I have been reading everywhere apply to me, I guess there are a few things I must do.

I must send back my Bachelorís of Science in Computer Engineering, and my Masterís of Science in Computer Science to those misguided institutions of higher learning that granted them to me. While I am at it, I suppose that I should return the Associates of Science in Mathematics and the one in pre-Engineering as well. And to be fair, I guess I also need to turn in my high school diploma. We knuckle-draggers donít need them there fancy pieces of paper that we canít read no how.

I need to forget where everything is in the world. Yes, liberals, I do know where we are currently engaged in fighting terrorists. Surprisingly, I am conversant with pretty much all of the globe, including the myriad of new countries that have been created over the past decade or so due to the breakup of the Soviet Union, caused by that boob Ronald Reagan. However, as this is not in keeping with my image as an American conservative, I guess I must simply flush that knowledge away (or at least pretend that I am the ignorant slob that most of you in Europe assume all we Americans to be).

I do understand how my Government works, and exactly why it was established the way it is currently structured. I understand the changes we have made to it since it was founded. I donít agree with all of them, but I understand them. I even understand the basic structure of many of the parliamentary democracies in Europe. I donít get all the nuances, but then again, I donít have to live under them. And I doubt you understand ours all that well either. Yes itís different from yours. And no, thatís not necessarily a bad thing. You donít like the way we do things? Thatís fine. No oneís forcing you to live here. As for your countries, they might be a fine place to visit, but Iíll continue to live here, thanks.

Religion. Ah yes, where to start. I consider myself a Christian. I profess a belief in Christ. I go to church on Sundays, and Wednesdays too. My kids attend seminary every weekday morning at 6 am before school starts. They are modest in their attire, polite, and well spoken. They are extremely intelligent. We believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. We believe in creation. We acknowledge the existence of natural selection, but believe that it is insufficient in and of itself to explain the world and universe around us. More properly, we believe in intelligent design. We pretty much meet all the criteria to fit into the tiny cubicle into which you would force us, with the label ďfundamentalist Christian nutĒ tacked to the door.

Itís sort of funny really, considering that many ďfundamentalist ChristiansĒ donít even consider us Christian, and would probably be highly offended that you would label us as such. You see, we are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints; Mormons, in common parlance. And while we consider ourselves Christian, as in ďfollowers of ChristĒ, and are in many ways as fundamentalist as you can get, many others in mainstream Christianity consider us cultists and want nothing to do with us. Note: Christendom here in the U.S. is not a monolithic block, as many of you in Europe would suppose. I guess itís your tradition of state churches, which we do not support here, that makes you think that way. There is not a state church here in the United States. The first amendment to the Constitution prohibits that.

In the United States, you can believe as you choose. While the United States is fundamentally a Christian nation, we donít force people to worship in any particular manner, or to worship at all, if thatís their preference. You want to be a Buddhist, fine. No problem. You want to be a Muslim? Knock yourself out. Wiccan? I know a few, and those I know are fine folk. I donít agree with their religion, mind you, but thatís their choice. And it doesnít mean we canít work together or be friends.

Some might disagree with me here. Some might say that the ballot initiatives that passed in eleven states defining marriage as between a man and a woman are forcing religious morality down the throats of those who disagree. Thatís one way of looking at it I suppose. What I donít understand is why liberals seem to think that democracy is a fine thing, as long as the votes go their way. But if the votes go against them, then all of a sudden itís someone forcing something down their throat. However, if a liberal judge overturns the vote of the people, isnít that a liberal minority forcing their morality down the throats of the majority? But thatís ok, isnít it, when itís a liberal issue. When itís a conservative issue or a religious issue, itís just the ignorant forcing their views on the enlightened.

I have noticed that Liberals donít seem to believe in a rational discussion of the issues. It always seems to come down to labels and name-calling. Itís about ďfeelingsĒ not reason. Itís all about whatís good for them, not society at large. And if they lose, it isnít about working together or compromise. Itís about picking up their marbles and going home, leaving the country, or violence.

This was shown quite clearly during the elections with the rash of vandalism reported in the, mainly, liberal press. People stealing Bush signs out of front yards, or spraying swastikas on them, and writing, ďI hope your children die of AIDSĒ on their driveways. People vandalizing Republican campaign headquarters. People cursing and threatening Bush supporters with bodily harm. People slashing the tires of vehicles displaying Bush campaign stickers. The list goes on. And it hasnít stopped since the election. Even in the mainly liberal mainstream press, I havenít seen equivalent stories concerning Bush supporters doing the like to Kerry supporters.

It seems that the Kerry/Edwards campaign got at least one thing right. It does seem that there are two Americas here, just not the two they described.

So, for those of you that just canít get over it; those suffering from post election selection stress syndrome (or whatever they are calling it). Those who wake up every morning in a fog, who just canít face another day of calling George Bush the President. I have a prescription for you. Those who said they would leave the country if Bush were re-electedÖplease do. Check out that health-care Mecca just across the border, called Canada. Head to the United Kingdom, where they tax the hell out of the rich, and have that social net that you would love to have here in the U.S. Youíll be fine, as long as you never need kidney dialysis. How about Sweden, where they have all the porn you could ever want, all entirely legal, and incidentally, one of the highest suicide rates in the world. (Not that thereís anything wrong with that, of course.) Or how about the Netherlands? Smarting over the injustice of not allowing gays to marry? Itís legal there. Or how about France? They are so sophisticated after all. Why they just loved Yasser Arafat (he was such a statesman!) Iím sure they will just love you too.

Whatever the cause, thereís a country somewhere in the world thatís just right for you; where they do things the way you wish they would here. So why stay here and be miserable when you can go someplace where everyone thinks like you! Itís ok. Most of us came from elsewhere originally anyhow. Just think of it as returning to your roots.

But first, donít forget to check out their immigration laws. Most countries arenít as free about their borders (or their franchise) as you would like us to be. Canada, for example, is downright sticky about who or how many they let in on a permanent basis. So is Mexico for that matter, despite the fact that they seem to think we should open our borders to them.

Still, Iím sure you can find someone to take you. Just claim political asylum. That should work. Donít forget, John Ashcroft (or his successor, as he is stepping down) is just waiting to send you to the Gulag. You may not have much time left!

The ignorant masses have risen up. The world is turned upside down. Just think; George Bush was elected president and no one you know voted for him! It sounds like the fix is in to me...